How do I cope with my daughter’s dad returning and blaming me for his absence?
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My 16 yr old daughter’s father had just decided to come into her life 13 years later. I always believe its never too late but how can I endure the fact that he has tried to convince her it was my fault he wasn’t around?
She asked what happened and he blamed it all on me. She called him out saying that he had rights and If he really believed i kept him from her, he could’ve gone through the courts but he didn’t. She also reminded him that several times over the years, I’ve sent him pictures and messages telling him that she still wants to know him. I even gave him her phone # so he could directly call her. He apologized to her and she told him that she wants a relationship with him but doesn’t want him to speak badly of her mom because I’ve never said bad things about him to her. He said, I didn’t want to say things about your mom but you asked so I told you.
I’m glad that he’s in her life now but I feel so disrespected by him. I raised her well and I reached out to him occasionally over the years to remind him that the door was still open so for him to dog me when he had so many opportunities makes me literally sick to my stomach. They are talking a lot now and I’m glad for her but what can I do to not feel so hurt and angry in my heart. We both made mistakes and I don’t want to be in his life but I don’t deserve to be fully blamed and exiled.
I’m worried that he will carry this hate for me in his heart for the rest of his life and I will just have to watch as my daughter and him have a relationship and in a way, I’m in exile. Again, I don’t want to be apart of his life but I’ve forgiven him in my heart over and over and over… one of the messages I sent said “I’m sorry for the mistakes I made early on and I’ve forgiven you for the mistakes you’ve made. I hope we can move forward for our daughter’s sake.
I’ve done all the hard work raising and loving her and the example he will show her is that i will forever be disgraced and unforgiven in his eyes. I forgave him but most importantly, she forgave him. How can I process this without hurting so much. I have so much joy in my life and I usually deal with things well but this is agony for me.
Thank you for reading this and I so much appreciate any advice
Kristen
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Please excuse my grammar 🤦♀️
Kristen
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Hello Kristen,
Congratulations on raising such an amazing young woman. Being a single parent is very challenging and hear it from me when I say you have done an extraordinary job. Your message says a lot about how much you are hurting but I want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to feel angry, to feel hurt, to feel like you are experiencing an injustice – It’s okay to have those feelings and acknowledge them, there is nothing to be ashamed about. But now let me tell you a secret – it’s time to really heal. What do I mean by that.. you see it was much easier to be “okay” when he was not around but now his presence and poor attitude are making you feel both feelings that you may have bottled up as well as new feelings… What you need to do is to take all the hurt and pain and anger and pour your heart out in prayer to God. Another way to do this is to write everything you are feeling on paper. And I mean EVERYTHING… cry as much as you want to don’t hold back, let it all out, and unto the paper. Then say these words – “I let it all go” over and over and over and over as you burn the paper. You see if you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain and then let them pass through you and out, you will always have them in you. Don’t suppress them, don’t be afraid of the pain, feel it as it passes out of you – Let it all go. Then meditate and memorize a few peace scriptures – https://christiansask.com/scriptures-for-peace/ and personalized them and repeat them very often to yourself.
Also, every time the thought of him comes and wants to torment you just SMILE and immediately say to yourself… “I am whole because of Jesus; no one can hurt me”.
Finally, you said the word “exile” quite a few times and I understand that to mean you feel a kind of separation or abandonment. Please, my dearest Kristen, remember how much God loves you, how much your daughter loves you, and how much you should love yourself. No one can exile you or make you feel exiled only you can do that. Your daughter has not exiled you and you shouldn’t exile yourself. The feeling of abandonment is just that a “feeling” it is not real. Just look around you and see all the love. Just because one person is acting silly doesn’t mean you should lose your joy, your peace, and gratitude.
We’ll be praying for you and we’re here anytime. And if you can find a close friend to talk to some more that would be great.
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs…